Ash Wednesday, February 14

Psalm 51:1-17

I cannot think of a sacrifice more significant and monotonous, transformative and slow, refining and humbling than the daily sacrifice of my heart.

Motherhood has been a revealing process for me. It has ushered in immeasurable joy, for which I am grateful. But also, I have discovered that parenthood has a good deal of inconvenience interwoven throughout it: the constant snacks, the perpetual messes, the redirection, the repetition, the emotional volatility, and the demands for attention. And the inconvenient bits revealed a very conditional contentment within me—a contentment that existed so long as I got to be in control. And when things didn’t go according to my plans, I found my patience lacking. My words were harsh, when I longed for them to be gentle.

Loving in this capacity of motherhood has been refining me. In the most ordinary moments, I find myself coming face to face with my selfishness and my pride. But this is the beauty of brokenness: It’s uncomfortable and unpleasant to admit our fallibility, but it is out of the depths of honesty that transformation begins. (To be sure, I would much prefer God to work through my capability than my fallibility, but there is a time and season for both.)

What life thus far has taught me is that we often desire refinement within the context of someone else’s circumstances. Our own often looks too ordinary, too boring, too impossible…but our own hearts, our own desires, our own days and lives are all that we have to sacrifice. And so each day, may we wake grateful for another bit of practice at this ordinary, heart transforming love and whisper a prayer of, “Not my will, but Yours be done.” And may we delight in the discovery that with each passing day, our hearts mean it more and more earnestly.

Holly Yinger